Ok. I'm just going to throw it out there... I had an extremely hard time warming up to being a mother when Web was born. So hard in fact, that my mom (who is my rock) had to take me out every night in the car so I could sit in a parking lot and cry my eyes out and wish on things that could have been. I didn't know what was wrong with me. Yes, I loved Web, but I wasn't that glowing, shining new mother who couldn't be torn away from her newborn child. Actually, there were times I couldn't wait to get out. I wanted to escape and fast. I cried every single day and felt my chest tighten with every breath. I didn't think it would last long, but I was certainly wrong. When Web cried, I cried. When Web slept, I cried. When Web looked at his new world, I cried. I just didn't feel that I could be a mother. The thought scared me to death. The first 2-3 months of Web's life was a very dark time for me. I thought horrible thoughts and without my husband and mother, I'm not sure where I would be now. I won't go into details, but just know that I was scared and I wanted out. I never had an ill thought towards little Web, just myself. Like I said.... a very dark time.
Over the months, I struggled with myself, my thoughts, and my actions. I kept calling my best friend and made her tell me over and over again, "This is as bad as it gets. This is as bad as it gets." And readers... she was telling the truth. Every day after the first 2-3 months, I slowly got better. And by slow, I mean SLOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOW. But it did get better with a lot of support, venting and a lot of hours spent in a parking lot.
Now? I find myself sneaking Web into bed with us at night just to hold him close and feel him next to me. After he's finished his night bottle, I keep rocking him. I go to his daycare and spend my lunches with him and can't wait to pick him up at the end of the day.
Yes, I still freak out sometimes and have a flashback to "holy crap, how am I going to do this?" but I get over it. Life goes on. Am I inlove with that newborn stage? Hell no. It scares the crap out of me. It's what my nightmares are made of.
BUT it does get better. A LOT BETTER! Even though it took me a while, I am here. I am a mother and I love being a mother. And sometimes I think that those dark days make these and the future days to come that much brighter.
Over the months, I struggled with myself, my thoughts, and my actions. I kept calling my best friend and made her tell me over and over again, "This is as bad as it gets. This is as bad as it gets." And readers... she was telling the truth. Every day after the first 2-3 months, I slowly got better. And by slow, I mean SLOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOW. But it did get better with a lot of support, venting and a lot of hours spent in a parking lot.
Now? I find myself sneaking Web into bed with us at night just to hold him close and feel him next to me. After he's finished his night bottle, I keep rocking him. I go to his daycare and spend my lunches with him and can't wait to pick him up at the end of the day.
Yes, I still freak out sometimes and have a flashback to "holy crap, how am I going to do this?" but I get over it. Life goes on. Am I inlove with that newborn stage? Hell no. It scares the crap out of me. It's what my nightmares are made of.
BUT it does get better. A LOT BETTER! Even though it took me a while, I am here. I am a mother and I love being a mother. And sometimes I think that those dark days make these and the future days to come that much brighter.
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